btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
