I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
