Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize