I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
