I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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