I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
