Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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