It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
