Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
