We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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