Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
