Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
