I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
