Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
