***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize