You're my little dorito
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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