you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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