We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
