life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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