Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
