Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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