just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
