I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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