i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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