this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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