Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
