I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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