I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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