if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
