How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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