I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
