3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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