She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
