I could have mohawked her pubes.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
