omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
