What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
