Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
