I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
