Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
