Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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