i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
