Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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