I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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