i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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