Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
