I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
