If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize