I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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