"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
