i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
sarcasm needs its own font
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
