Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
a search helicopter?!
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
