mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
