Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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