Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
