porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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