put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
