Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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