If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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