I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You need a sexual gate keeper
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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