Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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