i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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