I could have mohawked her pubes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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