I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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