My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
