First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
