You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
