Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize