I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize